My boyfriend brought something to my attention the other night. no, this wasn't a sweet nothing to bring butterflies and warm fuzzies, rather i felt a tinge of sorrow at what he said. he pitied me, and i couldn't handle it.

i am jenn, and i do not have a best friend. sounds like i'm in some sort of alcoholics anonymous group or something. but no, i'm just being upfront and honest here. i didn't grow up with a "best friend" always at my side. i had one at 4 years old, but after that, i just had friends. i remember once thinking i'd had a "best friend" and offered her a friendship bracelet, which she fervently refused. think of the trauma my 8 year old self felt.

through school there were groups that i hung out with at different ages. my cousins, being the same age and gender as me, were usually a part of that group from time to time. so i guess if i had ever had a "best friend," one of them would have fit the part. but only for a period of time.

in my teen and adult years i've met people and stayed loosely in touch. i even have some people i like to call "good friends" or even "mentors." but yet now in college, i sit in the cafeteria alone. unless i see someone from class sitting alone as well, which is rare. excluding my boyfriend, i get more texts or calls from my sister than any of my other contacts in the entire address book. and we're not even close. the last personal email i received was two months ago.

now i'm not saying all this because i'm depressed. i like to be alone. i enjoy reading a good book, or writing, or just zoning out. i like my own little world. but it seems that those on the outside looking in don't agree. am i a hermit? is it wrong to be a hermit?

i hate the thought of someone pitying me. it honestly made me cry right then and there when bryan said it. not sure exactly why. but i did.

so what's wrong with me? is it because i'm just too lazy to keep in touch? just plain uninteresting? not "best friend" material? or am i just plain thinking too much? do i even need a "best friend" to be ok? i thought i was doing good all along. i had God, a man i love, stuff to do, a job... you know the basic necessities i found important. do i really have to have "girlfriends?" and if so, where do i get them?

**sorry, mostly just personal thoughts. helps me to write, no need to respond**

Ever feel a bit under pressure? like stress is just bearing down from every angle and degree....

The economy is funky right now (we all know that). I've been job-less now for a period of 3 months and am now just finally back on the market, working for part time minimum wage at a department store. I used to have a career. Newly enrolled as a full time student at a nearby college I must commute to daily, the oldest freshmen in my class though I must admit I'm in the traditional program not the adult. I've moved back home with the parents, after being independent for 5 years. Bills arrive and stack up almost daily. My homework assignments line my goodwill backpack....

i feel pressure. i need my happy place.

Where's my happy place, you might ask? I can't really narrow it down to just one specific place or even time frame, rather I have quite a few:

-laying prostrate on the dock at camp swoneky, facing the water beneath me
-kneeling at a stone altar in colorado springs
-the moment i wake up refreshed on a saturday morning
-late night beneath the stars
-and oh, of course in my Bry's arms

it is in these places that I'm able to loose sense of self and awareness of the world around me. I can shrink back and reload. Think. Calm. And it's good again.

Can you ever get too much of a happy place?

Where or what is your happy place?

so this is my 1st official entry. check out my xanga, i do it more often, it's easier...